Dear Teen-Aged Boy Driving Way Too Close Behind My Car,

Dear Teen-Aged Boy Driving Way Too Close Behind My Car,

I normally drive five mph above the speed limit. You wouldn’t know that though because as soon as you turned onto the road behind me, your front bumper became invisible to me, hidden by the angle of my rear view mirror and the trunk of my Impala. So, I tapped my break, and slowed down to 55 mph.

Now, I understand that you are in a hurry. I get that you’re hostile from the realization that someone else is on the road besides you. Don’t think for a minute that the curse words flying from your lips will intimidate me into driving faster though:

• I guarantee that if there were not children in my car, I could out cuss you in a manner far more witty and creative and with far more command presence than your 17 years of age could ever muster.
• Your cussing is a clear indicator to me that you are distracted, even more distracted than your inherent youth and reckless driving would automatically ensure.  In fact, you’re so distracted, that as a natural consequence, we will now be proceeding down this county road at five mph UNDER the speed limit.
• I am a cloth diapering, homeopathic using, baby wearing, co-sleeping mom, I’m used to bullying. A little swearing from a teen-aged boy means nothing to me.

I have tapped my breaks now, two separate times, meaning, I have communicated with you the universal sign for, “Get off my tail,” but you persist.  Here’s what’s going on. When I took my driver’s education class exam almost twenty years ago, I got 100%. I learned something really important, and I still remember it. Do you realize that at all average driving speeds, (regardless of your score on “Street Racer” or “Mario Cart”)  it is physically impossible for your reaction time to allow you to put on your breaks in enough time to avoid a collision if there is less than two car lengths between us?

At any rate, while there is not two car lengths between us, I will tell you what IS between us.

You see, the reason why I am willing to slow down to whatever speed I feel safe with ( for as long as you continue to follow at this distance) is because in addition to my trunk, two bumpers and only about 10 feet of empty space, between you and I sit the three most precious little human beings to have ever existed.

You can’t win.  You see?

You can’t bully a mom when she’s got kids in the car.

It will get you nowhere.

Well, I take that back, you will get SOMEWHERE… eventually. You’ll just end up getting there at 35 miles per hour.

-Dawn Papple